You need to stop this, Ivory. Do you understand that you're harming not only yourself but those around you? You've been putting yourself in almost constant danger, yet for what? To try and find someone who you think is dead? It's been a couple of months and you're still going on about it. Please, Ivory, just let go. It wasn't your fault. You yourself said it felt like a weird impulse decision, you said you didn't want to do it, so you don't need to keep beating yourself over and over due to it. Your progress has been amazing, yet every time you bring Myla up, its almost as if we're back to square one. Please, Ivory.
Just let go.